30 August 2005

Sex, Dogs, and Mama Trolls

When I was a student teacher, my mentor teacher Heather taught me a method of dealing with conflict using a mix of over-reaction and humor, so that you can make the point that a behavior is unacceptable without involving anger or blame. I find that it works well for me, which means that I'm often laughing and yelling at the same time, like "oh my GOD I cannot BELIEVE you just SAID that!! that is just WRONG!" Usually the kids kind of laugh and the offender looks embarassed and we all move on with our lives. Sometimes, though, there are situations that call for more discretion, times when you don't want to make a huge deal out of something.

Today was one of those times.

In 7th period, I looked down and saw a BRIGHT GREEN CONDOM all unrolled and shriveled up on the floor of my classroom. My first impulse was to scream, "Oh my GOD why is there a CONDOM on the FLOOR of my CLASSROOM??????"

But I said nothing. Instead I ran and hid behind my desk, trying not to giggle and/or freak out. At the very end of class, Summer and Shawna found it and threw it away for me and we talked about how sometimes it's fun to blow them up into balloons.

(Sidenote: my friend Leonard used to perform with this Social Issues Theater and would blow up a condom into a big balloon and tell the high schoolers, "If your man says it's too tight, you tell him ain't never gonna be a problem, 'cause no matter what, he ain't THIS big!")

And while Summer and Shawna were dealing with the green condom, my little gay friend Edwin came over to show me that someone had written "JUDY IS A WHORE!" [with a backward J] and "ANNA HAS ADIS!" [sic] and "JUSTIN HAS A SMALL COCK" [complete with picture] in the back of his science book.

I guess it was just Triple XXX Sex day in my room.

In the words of my dear friend Cameron, "Your kids are going to be SO FUCKED UP by the end of this year!"

Advisory this morning:

Jason: Sorry I'm late, Miss, but my dog came to school.
Me: Oh. Um...
Jason: We locked him in the courtyard!
Me: Really? Let's see. (We walk across the hall to the glass brick wall looking over the courtyard. Sure enough, there's a big yellow lab pacing around.)
Jason: He's a good dog.
Me: What's his name?
Jason: He doesn't have a name.
Me: Uh... why not?
Jason: He just showed up last night.
Me: So he's not really your dog?
Jason: Yes, but just since last night.
Me: Maybe he's just lost?
Jason: He's a good dog.
Me: He probably belongs to somebody else. Someone's probably looking for their dog, never imagining that he's locked up in the middle school courtyard.
Jason: I think I'm going to name him "Doggy."

This afternoon I listened to the other English teacher, a veteran of 25 years, take a call from a mama who made my life miserable all last year, and it was quite clear that the mama was irrationally yelling at her and finally hung up on her. It seems that the Little Darling was doing other homework in English class, so Maryanne took the paper, ripped it up, and threw it away. She kept saying, "It's inappropriate to be doing anything but English in my classroom. No, I didn't even look at the paper. The kids know that they're not allowed to do other work in English class. Well maybe you should ask your son why he was doing his math homework in English class. No, I didn't even look at it -- it was inappropriate behavior....."

Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but it freaking MADE MY DAY. Not to hear Maryanne get yelled at, but to know that the mama is unreasonable no matter who is teaching her kiddo. Also it made me that much happier not to have that particular student this year, because with a mama like that, he's only going to get worse and worse. Do parents not see that attacking their kids' teachers every ten seconds just hurts the kids, in the end?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: STOP BEING SUCH SUCKY PARENTS, PEOPLE!

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