04 November 2015

Tips for Teens from Christopher Pike

If you keep breaking the handles on your hairbrushes, you’re probably the girl next door.

If you're the new girl, wait a semester before you join drama club, because you might unknowingly be cast in a murder revenge play.

If you get murdered at a party it will suck, but on the upside you might fall in ghost love with the cute motorcycle ghost from homeroom.

If you find yourself on trial for your BFF's murder, it's probably because she totes hated you & you didn't even realize it, you dummy.

If your BFF is a cranky goddess, you should probably avoid hooking up with her boyf, but if you must, definitely do not eat any hamburgers she cooks, because they WILL be full of ground-up glass. For, like, eternity. Just never eat a hamburger again.

If you have diabetes, NEVER let your evil girlfriend give you your insulin, because she will definitely put an air bubble in your heart.

If your boyfriend wants to bite you, it might be because he’s totes kinky or it might be that he’s still hungry after eating your grandfather.

If you discover that your VCR can tape the news of the future, make as much money as you can because YOLO girl. You’re definitely not a robot in love with your own grandfather. Live it up.

Never go to a sleepover party with the same girls who accidentally set your friend and her little sister on fire, because you never know when they’ll try to repay the favor.

Never pick the hot guy over the computer loser who loves you because the hot guy will probably grow up to be an evil general who starts WWIII.

Never trust a hot girl, because she will either try to cocaine you to death or turn out to be an Evil Ancient Lizard & try to eat you.

Never meditate with your twin because you will for sure turn into Ancient Lizard People & eat all your friends.

Never get two girls pregnant in the same month, because they will both die & then come back to murder you repeatedly with forks.

And never, ever go out into the desert with the super hot brother/sister pair who keep making out with each other, because anyone that hot is definitely part of an ancient dinosaur race who survived the dinosaur holocaust and now gets their kicks from pushing kids and dogs into acid pits and reanimating corpses and eating ice cream and making out with each other. Avoid at all costs. 

When in doubt, wear a nice pair of slacks.