30 November 2010

WTF, Hamsters?

I spent the last two days in bed, sick with what feels like strep but isn't strep. (Doctor: The good news is... it's not strep! The bad news is... I can give you a prescription for cough drops and tea and you're going to be sick all week. Sucka!) (Okay, she didn't really say 'sucka,' she was actually super nice and sympathetic, but still. Sucka.)

The point is: sick. And because I've been sick, I've watched more hours of tv in the last two days than I have in months. And because I watch tv on my laptop, I only get to see like three commercials, and I see them over and over and over again.

For example, I have seen this stupid Kia commercial like 600 times in the last two days, and I've had a lot of time to think about it. And after all that thinking, I have a couple of questions.

First of all, WTF??

So the commercial starts innocently enough, with a funky Digable Planets-type groove and a shot of two hooded rapper figures:

Kickin' it 1991 style

But then the camera spins around and the cool rappers pull back their hoods to reveal hamster heads.




Okay, this might not be surprising to you, because apparently these hamsters have been on tv for a while now. I don't watch a ton of tv, so I've been happily sheltered from these creeper hamsters. Or maybe I've even seen them before and just not registered them because I didn't have to watch the same effing hamster commercial 600 times in a row. By the time the crazy speeding baby commercial came on I was practically cheering just to see something new.

Anyway, the hamsters. They're hip hop hamsters, you see, and they have to greet their DJ friends:

Whut up, Hamster?

It turns out they live on Hamsterdam Avenue. OBVIOUSLY. The first time I saw the commercial I was like WHAT? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?? But by the sixth or seventh I caught this street sign, which explains everything.

Ohhhhhh, Hamsterdam Ave! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

And there's this guy, who I actually dig. What is up with you, drummer hamster?

One stoned little hamster

Finally, after 18 seconds of establishing Hamsterland rapper shots, the commercial finally gets around to mentioning its product: a Kia. OHHHH, this is a CAR COMMERCIAL. How did I miss that before?? OF COURSE THE RAPPING HAMSTERS ARE SELLING A CAR.

Yo yo yo, we be driving the Kiaz. Also, WE ARE HAMSTERS.

So once the commercial finally gets around to making its point, it immediately begins to hammer you over the head with it. You see, according to the rapping hamsters, "The choice is yours. You can get with this, or you can get with that." In this instance, "this" is a Kia...

You can get with this...

...while "that" is a TOASTER.

...or you can get with that.

Really? Those are my choices?

You can have a car...

...or you can have a toaster.


...or toaster. THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.

I was talking about this in my class tonight, and one of my students pointed out that in the original hamster commercials, the cool hamsters drove a Kia, and the lame hamsters drove around in hamster wheels. This made some sense to her, and she thought it was cute and clever.

Because I had watched this commercial 600 times, I knew that there were some hamster wheels in the background somewhere:

If we have to choose between a stinky old wheel and walking, WE CHOOSE WALKING

But WAIT! There's another option! You can get with this...

Yes, yes, it's a Kia.

Or you can get with that:

A box.

A BOX?!?!?! I have to choose between a Kia and a box somewhat half-heartedly decorated to look like a hotrod bus?

Okay, next choice. This commercial begins to feel a little like the optometrist's office. A or B? A.... or B? One or two? One.... or two?

Except usually the difference is really slight and you're kind of just doing your best to choose the slightly clearer lens, whereas here your options are a car or A BOX. Would you like to drive a thing that drives, or A BOX?

You want more options? How about this one:


...or washing machine on wheels?


Washing Machine: Does not come with cool stereo. OR DRIVING CAPABILITY.

I think it was at this point that the commercial really lost me. Because I've had hamsters, and you know, it's kind of funny to put them on things and pretend they're driving them. Normal children might put the hamster in, I don't know, something that actually drives, but I could see putting the hamster in a funny box that looks like a car, or maybe even on a toaster if you were the kind of child who didn't consider the part where the hamster will poop into the same place where you cook your pop-tarts.

But a washing machine?? NO. No child would ever put their hamster into a washing machine and pretend it's driving because IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY EFFING SENSE.

But don't tell that to this guy...

Whaaaaaaaa? You mean I don't have to drive A WASHING MACHINE ON WHEELS?

Should you choose the car?

Or the box? (Hint: DON'T CHOOSE THE BOX!)

Car? Or toaster?

Fine, Kia. You've got me. If I can ONLY choose between a Kia and a toaster, I WILL CHOOSE THE DAMN KIA.

Are you happy now, Kia? Given the choice between driving a thing that drives and driving a thing that doesn't drive, I choose the thing that drives!


Seriously though, Kia. In the immortal words of Bring It On, "I define being the best as competing against the best there is out there and beating them."

See, normally in a commercial, you would set out to prove that you are better than any other car out there, not any other household appliance. So yes, if the competition is between a Kia and a BOX, I will choose the Kia.


If the competition were between, say, a Kia driven by hamsters and a Toyota DRIVEN BY HUMAN BEINGS, I would choose the Toyota.

A car for humans! JUST LIKE ME!

But wait. This isn't just a car driven by humans, it's a car driven by humans who are looking for their runaway dog!

A car for humans with squeaky toys! JUST LIKE ME!!

A car for humans whose runaway dog is dig dig digging in the neighbor's yard! JUST LIKE ME!!!

A car for humans whose runaway dog is a naughty german shorthair pointer!?!? JUST LIKE ME!!!!

You see how that works, Kia? Give me a commercial I can relate to, and I will be all over it. So if I can get with this, or I can get with that?


16 November 2010

Chronicling My Infidelity

Let's skip the requisite apologies about how hideously neglected this poor blog is. Reader, it's not that I don't care about you, it's merely that I'm entirely uninteresting, and every time I think about writing a blog entry, the only topics that come to mind are things like "I like banana muffins!" and "Zia is a tiny angel baby!" You should probably thank me for not subjecting you to such things.

However, I must confess I have been blogging... elsewhere.

I know! I know. But in my defense, the StoryStudio blog has this (fantastic & brilliant) editor named Allyson who sends me emails about how I said I would write a blog entry by Friday and it's now Friday so maybe I should get on that? And then she suggests topics for me to write about, and then when I finally get around to writing what I'm supposed to write, she sends me nice emails about how great I am for doing the thing I should have done a week ago with no prompting. She's pretty great that way.

So here are a few things I've written for StoryStudio:

Twilight, James Frey's Factory, & YA "Production" In which I basically just rant about children's literature and some other stuff which may or may not include making fun of famous authors.

The Time I Did NaNoWriMo With a Bunch of Kids In which I discuss the time I did NaNoWriMo with a bunch of kids.

For Whom We Write In which I get all nostalgic about childhood and stuff.

KidLit: Don't Just Fall In - Jump! In which I complain about authors who just happened to write for children instead of setting out to write for kids on purpose.

Mad About Outlining In which I share pictures of my kitchen cabinets covered in notecards.