Okay, okay. I know you've all been terribly neglected and you don't even know what to do with yourselves. I know you've been obsessively checking this site every day, hoping... wishing... that maybe.... It's not that I've forgotten you, I swear. It's just that I'm so goddamn busy, all the time.
Because I don't have time to write some thoughtfully scathing-yet-fond review of some aspect of life in Chicago, or even point out that I realized last night just how well you can see into my apartment from across the street, and started wondering just why it is, exactly, that those homeless guys always sit precisely across from my apartment in lawn chairs... and oh my god how many times have they seen me naked??
What was I saying? Oh right: I actually have to run in a few minutes -- I know, lame -- but in the meantime I'll answer some of your most frequently asked questions:
Q: Are you dead?
Q: Are you sure? Because in your case, no news is NOT good news.
A: I swear! I'm just really effing busy these days.
Q: Yeah? So... what's so important that you can't take a few minutes and update your damn blog?
A: Well. First of all, I got a second job, because one job is not nearly hardcore enough for someone as hardcore as I. Also, because I'm poor. So in the last month or so I jumped from working about 25 hours a week to working about 50. Pretty awesome.
Q: Are you writing? Aren't you supposed to be writing? That is why you quit teaching and gave up your job security and health insurance and my ulcer is so much bigger whenever I think about you, isn't it? ISN'T IT? YOU'D BETTER BE WRITING!!
A: I am. I am! I keep learning this pesky little lesson about how much happier I am when I'm writing. It's a pain in the ass lesson to learn, certainly, but it's good to know. I'm currently working on my second novel, which is in the early stages of being a complete and utter mess. But I'd like to think that in the end, it will be kind of neat.
Q: What about the other novel? The one that you're supposed to publish so you can send me to Cabo and get me out of this godforsaken grey winter hell?
A: First of all, it's actually only October. No need to panic just yet, even though yesterday the sky was awfully gray. Incidentally, did you know that they spell "grey" with an E in the Queen's English and an A in American English?
Q: Really? That's pretty interesting.
A: I know. I kind of like the E. It seems softer. Like a bunny.
Q: I love bunnies! Wait... are you avoiding the question?
Q: Well? The novel?
A: Right. It's in my agent's hands. She and I had coffee a few weeks ago and it was quite lovely. She is a very charming person. Except when she goes through my manuscript with a red pen.
Q: Uh... isn't that the point?
A: Probably. I'm actually very grateful for all her hard work. Thanks, Becca!
Q: Did they fix your roof yet?
A: We think so. It looks fixed... sort of. At least there's not a hole in the ceiling anymore.
Q: So, are you moving?
A: Hope so. Sometime in the near future?
Q: Are you asking me?
A: No, just expressing uncertainty. Why, do you have an awesome apartment for us?
A: That's cool.
Q: So, if you HAD been blogging in the last few weeks, what would you have written about?
A: Lots of wonderful things. We saw Judy Blume & Lois Lowry & the guys who wrote the book about the gay penguin read at a Banned Books Read Out downtown a few weeks ago, and it was fantastic. I've managed to catch all the debates so far, though I'll have to miss tomorrow's because I have a class. I got an Obama shirt in the mail the other day, but I think I'll have to give it to my dad because it's weirdly giant, and invites many awkward jokes about Obama's face and my boobs.
A: I know.
Q: Anything else?
A: That about sums it up, I think.
Q: Wanna play Wildlife Prairie Park?
A: Shoot, I'd love to, but I have to run. Oh, there is one more thing:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACKSON GALE!!
Q: The end?
A: The end. For now.