Boob Jokes

S: I hate that door! It closes!
Me: (sympathetically) Yes, doors do that, don't they.
S: No, Ms. Backes! I mean, it closes LOUDLY!

*

Lindy: I saw you smile!
Me: Okay.
Lindy: I never see you smile!
Me: Never?
Lindy: Nope, never!
Me: That's not good....
Lindy: I told all my friends that I saw you smile, and they couldn't believe it!

*

E: Ms. Backes, you can sit on my desk, but just don't fart on my novel.
Me: I won't. Teachers don't fart.

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K: Ms. Backes, don't worry, I'm not looking at your boobs, I'm just trying to read your pin!
Me: Aaah! I don't have boobs! I'm a teacher!

*

Me: (skimming a kid's novel) Wow, Taylor, that's really good!
Taylor: Really?
Me: Yeah! I love this sentence....
Taylor: I guess I should change the title then.
Me: (flipping to the front cover and reading:) THE NEXT WORST AMERICAN NOVEL. Ha! What's the first?
Taylor: Bill Clinton's book My Life
Me: And yours is second?
Taylor: That was the plan.
Me: I don't know, Taylor, there are a lot of really wretched novels out there. Like those Goosebumps books....
Taylor: Those are horrible!
Me: Exactly.
Taylor: Well, crap. Now I have to think of a new title.
Me: The 257th Worst American Novel...?

*

Principal: ...and then there was that ONE student who....blah blah blah....
Shop Teacher: ... oh yeah, did you ever have that Ortiz kid? What a nightmare!
Me: (staring intently at the marquee over the front door)
Principal: ...never was so happy as the day that kid got arrested on his 18th birthday, ha ha!
Shop Teacher: Molly, you're awfully quiet....
Me: I'm just wondering if that sign is correct. Over the October calendar? Isn't it missing a word?
Principal: (reading) October is National Breast Awareness Month.
...
Me: Because I'm thinking, in middle school, EVERY month is breast awareness month.
Principal: Ha ha ha!!


My principal may be a Good Old Boy, but he does enjoy a good boob joke.

GOD DAMNIT!

My wallet was stolen on October 25. I called Visa on October 25 to block it, which they said they did. A few days later a lady at my bank conFIRMED that it had been blocked. Today I got my credit card statement and there's another $150 on it from OCTOBER 25. So I called VISA and they said THE CARD HAD NEVER BEEN BLOCKED! What the HELL???



Everything sucks. Never have your wallet get stolen, because it is the biggest pain in the ass in the world. It's been THREE WEEKS and I still have no ATM card for my primary checking account. I've been buying gas for my 100 mile/day commute with the ATM card from my HIGH SCHOOL CHECKING ACCOUNT, opened in 1995, which had like $35 in it before I SIPHONED MONEY from my ELDERLY MOTHER'S vacation fund to get to and from my stupid job where I have to teach someone related to someone who stole my wallet, put more than $650 on my credit cards, and LAUGHED about it, while I'm STILL trying to clean up the damage THREE WEEKS LATER!!



GODDAMMIT!

Sex Ed

Me: Hey girls, what's all the drama about?
Carla: Well, Mina told Jannelle that she was a lesbian and she got someone pregnant with her finger...
Me: Oh! (two minutes of me trying not to laugh)
Lonnie: Yeah, and now Lupe is gonna beat Sondra up because of it!


Yes, notice that one girl says something about another girl and thus two entirely separate girls are in a fight. What?

Also, I saw Lupe between classes with another little girl trailing behind her, carrying her backpack and glasses for her. All I could think of was Tim in 1999: "Somebody hold my baby so I can put my cigarette out in this bitch's eyes! Hold my baby!"


In other news, I guess I always took Jerry Springer as hyperbole. I guess I was wrong.

*


Teaching personification is much harder when your students are convinced that "trees have feelings!" The sentence "The tree reconsiders its leaves" is literal, because trees have feelings! They know when you cut them, they can feel it! Um, okay, but they can't think.... No, they can feel! They're alive! They have feelings!

I always thought Topenga Lawrence was cute; I never considered how hard it would be to teach her figurative language.

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Yesterday a little girl kicked a big gigantic boy in the shins, and he screamed "GODDAMNSHITMOTHERFUCKER!!!" The whole class was silent for a long second, staring at him, then at me, back at him, waiting for one of us to say something. Finally, I clapped my hands together. "Okay! Class dismissed!"

*

Working on figurative language:

Annabell: (reading aloud) Wear this ring to remind you that I'll always be there for you.
Annabell and Juanita: (looking at one another, in unison) AWWWWWWWW!!

(SO CUTE!)

*

Caleb: Ms. Backes, "My brother is a pig" is literal, right?
Me: Um, no. Your brother could act like a pig, but he couldn't actually be a living, snorting pig.
Caleb: What if we adopted him?
Me: If you adopted a pig? Then it would be a pet, not your brother.
Caleb: Yuh huh, then why do they always say "adopt an animal"??
Me: Again, pet, not brother.

A Lot!

4th period.

Registrar: Hi! How much will you hate me if I put another kid in your 7th period class.
Me: I already have 30!
Her:
Me: A LOT.
Her: Well....
Me: Why don't you put him in my FIRST period class, which only has THIRTEEN KIDS????
Her: Oh! First period? Good idea! (she runs off)

7th period.

New Kid: Hi, I'm in this class now.....