14 July 2014

How to Have Sex on TV

Breathlessly, and a bit against your own good sense. You shouldn't want this, but you just can't help yourself. If you are about to have sex, it is definitely because you are so overwhelmed with passion that you can't even think straight. It's definitely not because you're horny or bored or trying to get out of doing the dishes or it's Tuesday night and you always have sex on Tuesday night. You are driven by passion! And you never see it coming!

(Unless you are a parent, in which case you can only have sex in the six minutes that your winsome, adorable moppets are all at soccer practice at the same time, which never happens.You will probably be interrupted. In fact, they are home already. Your attempts at sex are hilarious.)

Stumbling backward, because passion. The sex must happen as soon as the passion is ignited. The clock is ticking! There is no time to walk forward into a room! You must stumble backward, keeping your lips smashed against your partner's face at all times. If you stop kissing you will break the passion. If you pause to make sure you don't trip over the laptop cord you will certainly break the passion. Don't look behind you. There's probably a furniture item to fall onto. You'll be fine.

Fully dressed, or mostly dressed, at least keep your bra on for heaven's sake, and if for some reason you need to be actually naked, you must make sure to be underneath some or all the sheets, blankets, and any other fabrics that might be on the bed. If you are vulgar enough to get all the way naked while having sex, you will certainly put your underwear back on at the earliest possible opportunity.

Needless to say, the underwear will always be in an obvious place. You will never have to spend any time crouched over, half-naked or all-naked, picking through items of clothing to find your own underwear. And of course said underwear will be totally alluring. When sex happens, you are never wearing threadbare zebra-print Hanes Her Way high-waisted briefs that you accidentally bought at Target when you ran out of underwear on vacation.

Under no circumstances will you be wearing Spanx.

Sometimes all the passion will mean that you have to rip each other's clothes off -- not all of them, of course, because that would be gross -- but there will be popped buttons and torn nylons because of all the passion, and that's fine of course, no problem, it's not like you specifically chose this outfit because it's your favorite and the one that makes you feel prettiest or sexiest, so you know, no worries if it gets totally shredded. 

Heterosexually. If you're queer you can kind of hint at maybe having some sex someday, or possibly at having had sex in the past, but you probably don't get to have much sex in the present. Sorry about that! 

Gracefully and elegantly. Your sex is always beautifully choreographed. You never need to switch positions because your boob is getting squished or your old knees are getting achy or your arm is going numb. You certainly never mention any of this to your partner. You are too busy being beautiful and passionate to be uncomfortable.

Quietly! There is no chatting during sex. The only noises you will make are breathy and moany and sexy. If you must say words, they will be sexy ones, such as "I have been waiting a long time for this," and not "Hey, can you plug in my iphone first?"

Seriously. You will be so, so serious. Sex is not funny. There will be no giggling, no silliness, no teasing. No fun! Sex is a serious business. You will be consumed by passion and nothing else.

In the dark, or almost dark. Acceptable light sources: streetlights, generic urban light, moonlight, possibly a nice lamp if you must. Never with the overhead lights on, and definitely never with the TV going in the background, unless it is about to reveal a major plot point.

Unaided. You have no use for lube, because passion. You barely need foreplay! You do not own a vibrator. And only bad people watch porn.

Efficiently & conveniently. If someone needs to ask about condoms, the other partner must produce one within seconds, from thin air if need be. There should be no fumbling around with wallets or trying to find pants that have already been kicked under the bed or digging through dresser drawers. Even though no one saw this sex coming, because of all the passion, there is always a condom at the ready. Except it must be a kind of magic trick, because if you have a condom on you it might look like you were planning to have sex, in which case you are probably a bad person.

Simultaneously. Obviously you will both climax at the exact same instant.

If you're the male partner, you should be the one to get up and get dressed first, because you have a high status job to get to. Because you are so high-status and manly, you may get dressed on camera, and seeing you with a tie and no pants will not hurt your status in our minds.

If you're the female partner, you should probably stay in bed watching, naked and a little lonely because you would maybe like more sex but it's not ladylike to say so. You can use your sexy voice and your sexy face with all your totally unsmudged mascara to suggest that you might still be here waiting when your male partner gets home. But you understand that he has Very Important Work to do.

Modestly. If you must get out of bed, you should immediately slip into some item of clothing other than what you were wearing before the sex. Your best option is this freshly laundered and freshly starched man-shirt that just so happens to be on a hanger next to your bed here. What’s that? You’re in your own bedroom and your own closet full of your own clothes is mere steps away? Shhhhhh, put on this man-shirt.

If no man-shirt is available, the next best thing is the entire top sheet from the bed, which will fit you like a goddess's toga and drape just so. It won't be tucked or tangled or so long you trip over it, and it definitely won't make you look like a child in a crappy homemade ghost costume.

Cleanly & daintily. Of course no one will sweat, because gross. No one will make any inappropriate noises or gestures of any kind. If you must show exertion, you may glisten. There is never a wet spot. You rarely need to jump in the shower afterward. No one ever needs to wash their hands or brush their teeth. Your sex is totally immaculate, and afterward you are beautiful and dry and satisfied. Every. Single. Time.


Hudson Heatley said...

Because passion! Also, in order to post a comment to this blog, I had to log in, confirm, reconfirm, then sell some eggs to merely suggest that I could do so here...Because passion!

EditNetwork said...

Love this, because "immaculate" and "alluring," because "Shhhhhhhh," because "laptop cord" and "iphone."

Seriously, too many highlights to pick them out correction. The piece is exquisitely written. It will be a cold day when I miss another one of your posts. I see a future for you in hilarious fiction. And "The Princesses of Iowa" just went to the top of my TBR list.